“I Am the Very Model of a Modern Vicar-P’rochial”

V-P:
I am the very model of a modern Vicar-P’rochial.

I’ve schooling theological, from Curran to Ezekial.

I know the Code of Canon Law, and know which lines are optional


for dear dissenting brethren, Manichean or adoptional.


From seminars I’ve learned to be more challenging and quizzical,


more sensitive and relevant, spontaneous and physical.


To any novel text I give the best endorsement that I can


unless it bears the postmark of the bishop or the Vatican.

All:
Be watchful for the postmark of the bishop or the Vatican.

V-P:
The strum and conga drum sound as I amble from the sacristy.
I smile with fond approval at the felt-and-burlap tapestry.


In short, in matters pastoral and socio-liturgical,


I am the very model of a modern Vicar-P’rochial.

All:
In short, in matters pastoral and socio-liturgical,
he is the very model of a modern Vicar-P’rochial.

V-P:
I know Salvation History, from Abraham to Matthew Fox.
I’m puzzled not by Job since I’ve done research into chickenpox.

I raise a brow when hearing how we prove our doctrines Marian.


And demons are neuroses; and expulsions are Rogerian.


All Scripture is an open book when taught as modern courses do.


I’ve even puzzled out the scene with colts and asses’ horses, too.


The only thing that troubles me is bow we can continue if


our Founder was the speciesist who drove those piggies off the cliff.

All:
Who, indeed, then was the man who drove those piggies off the cliff?

V-P:
I wander midst the People in my improv homiletical,
explaining how their bourgeois life to faith is antithetical.
You see, in matters doctrinal, but most of all political,
I am the very model of a modern Vicar-P’rochial.

All:
Why, yes, in matters doctrinal, but most of all political,
He is the very model of a modern Vicar-P’rochial.

V-P:
Though I’m a good disciple of the Movement Ecumenical,
admitting Zens and Wiccans and the pantheists Hellenical,
I can’t abide the wealth inside the churches Presbyterian,
and Baptists with their sermons can be just a trifle wearyin’.
I’m holding out till Lutherans take on some more minorities.
Of course, the Fundamentalists—I have no need for more of these.
I’m comfy as a Roman—though with oppositions personal
in matters theo-psycho-contraceptico-political.

All:
We too are comfy Romans, but with oppositions personal.

V-P:
I have no altar ego; I relinquish duties easily.
I welcome nuns and laymen—come and share my ministries with me.
My mother says that I should seek employment more respectable.
All things considered, I’m the model modern Vicar-P’rochial.

All:
Don’t change a thing, don’t look for new employment more respectable.
You are our perfect model of a modern Vicar-P’rochial!

Mike Aquilina is a new contributor to First Things.