Too Much Sex Causes Global Warming! “Take Cold Showers,” Scientist Advises

A famous global warming scientist issued an alarming study today finding that too much sex is a major cause of global warming. “All that heavy breathing releases tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere,” Dr, Raymond Sunburn, the head of the Aspen/Davos Collective’s think tank, Keep Earth Cool, said today. Sunburn, who earned the world’s first Ph.D. in biospheric computer modeling studies, added, “Our computer models show that if people don’t reduce their rate of intercourse and heavy petting to, at most, once a month, the polar bears will become extinct by 2050.”

When asked what people should do who get “pent up,” the ironically named Dr. Sunburn said, “Take a cold shower. In that way, you both avoid using more than your fair share of exhales and you save the earth by heating less water. There’s no question about it. Adopting a monastic lifestyle is good for the planet.”

That yarn could get me an anti-global warming government study grant. Besides, it is about as sensible as the real scientists who claim that fat people are endangering the planet. From the story:

Scientists warned that the increase in big-eaters means more food production—a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet. Overweight people are also more likely to drive, adding to environmental damage. Dr Phil Edwards, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler.” Each fat person is said to be responsible for emitting a tonne more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than a thin one.

Look at the damage people like actor John Goodman might cause!

Australian Professor Paul Zimmet predicted a disastrous obesity pandemic back in 2006. And Oxfam warned yesterday that the number of people hit by climate-related disasters will soar by more than half in the next six years to 375 million. The impact of more storms, floods and droughts could overwhelm aid organisations.

Just imagine the impact of fat people having too much sex! Randy Newman should write a song.