Time’s Man of the Year: 1456

“Why We Chose Vlad”
? Fought for and won independence from Ottomans
? Championed republican values by eliminating entrenched aristocrat interest groups
? Youngest man ever to be awarded Order of the Dragon
? Although known for torturing and mutilating small animals, no history of dog fighting
? Eliminated need for hat racks in Romania owing to propensity to nail headgear directly to guests
? Lowered crime rate by means of impaling, scalping, and skinning offenders, commonly known as “One Strike and You’re in Agony” rule
? Credited with first OTC remedy for iron-poor blood
? Coolest action figures