The First Church of Justifying Calamity

As Lutherans tend to do, Anthony Sacramone is starting his own religion . For those interested in joining, here are some items you’ll need to believe:

1. We believe that Pantu Baba, the Vile, the Irascible, the Arbitrary, eternal and almighty god of all that is was or ever shall be, has created all things in a fit of pique. Which explains Detroit. And Comcast.

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4. We believe that every last man woman child and beast, and some cruciferous vegetables, are beholden to Pantu Baba for all good things in this life, no matter how meager, which includes, but is not limited to, functioning bile ducts. In acknowledgment of their absolute dependence on Pantu Baba for their very bowel movements, every last man woman child and beast, and some cruciferous vegetables, will tithe 20% of their gross income, including gambling earnings, to their local Temple of Justifying Calamity.

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7. We believe that the priests of Pantu Baba, known collectively as the Elders or the Old Ones or the Saggy Ones or the Vicious Self-Righteous Blowhards, are to be accorded all manner of honor praise and renumeration in keeping with their great and glorious duty of honoring praising and renumerating Pantu Baba, the Vile, the Irascible, the Arbitrary, Patron of All Who Need Patronizing.

A bit odd, perhaps, but it still makes more sense than  Scientology .