After reading this exchange , I repeatedly banged my head against the wall until I lost consciousness. Before I came to, I had this weird dream:
Uncle Sam: “Give me a hundred dollars.”
I.M. Citizen: “Why”
Uncle Sam: “I’m going to spend it on some things you need—and some stuff you don’t.”
I.M. Citizen: “I don’t really have a choice do I?”
Uncle Sam: “Not really, no.”
I.M. Citizen (reaches for wallet): “Well, okay, here is . . . ”
Uncle Sam: “Wait, you own a home, right?”
I.M. Citizen: “Yeah, well, the mortgage company owns the house and I pay them . . . ”
Uncle Sam: “Cool. I like houses. Keep five bucks for yourself.”
I.M. Citizen (counts out the money): “Okay, here’s $95.”
Uncle Sam: “And what do you say?”
I.M. Citizen: “What do I say about what?
Uncle Sam: “How about ‘Thank you.’ Didn’t your parents teach you any manners?”
I.M. Citizen: “Thank you for what, I just gave you my money.”
Uncle Sam: “I just gave you a subsidy of five dollars.”
I.M. Citizen: “A subsidy? What are you . . . hold on. (Pulls out his iPhone and checks Dictionary.com.) The definition of subsidy is “a direct pecuniary aid furnished by a government to a private industrial undertaking, a charity organization, or the like.”
Uncle Sam: “Exactly. I gave you a direct pecuniary aid.”
I.M. Citizen: “But all you did was let me keep my own money.”
Uncle Sam: “Yes, but I was planning to spend that five dollars.”
I.M. Citizen: “Why don’t you just plan to spend five dollars less than you had planned?”
Uncle Sam: “I don’t understand the question.”
I.M. Citizen: No, I guess you wouldn’t.
Uncle Sam: “Okay, fine we won’t call it a subsidy. How about we call it a “spending increase?”
I.M. Citizen: “So you let me keep five bucks and that’s a “spending increase?” Does that mean that the other $100 I have in my wallet has increased government spending by $100 dollars?”
Uncle Sam: “Well, I don’t know much about economics, but since . . . wait a minute, you still have some money left? I don’t remember giving you another subsidy?”
Dear Reader,
Can I be direct with you?
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