Save Us, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. You’re Our Only Hope.

(Note: I tried getting this on the comments board of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s new blog -but it was rejected by the moderator.)

Dear Mr. President and/or Your Excellency:

My friend, a native of your country, and I have been debating a very critical point that I believe only you can resolve, and in so doing create peace in our time. I have argued, with great force, I do admit, that the finest American depiction of a sitcom English butler is Christopher Hewett in Mr. Belvedere . He, on the other hand, insists with equal, nay greater, vehemence, that it was Sebastian Cabot in Family Affair .

My friend demands that I retract my repugnant suggestion immediately or he will be forced to explode the sun.

I ask you, Your Excellency, to please settle this dispute, lest chaos reign and madness rule. Also: Do not suggest Peter Cook in The Two of Us . It will only muddy the waters.

Yours sincerely,
Anthony Sacramone

P.S. Rumors are rife in the American media that your scientists are secretly working on a plan to end the international scourge that is hat hair. Please confirm.