Pope Argues for Christian Names

There had been a long tradition of giving your newborn a saint’s name if you were Catholic. And so you had a slew of Dominics, a passel of Anthonys, a clutch of Patricks, a synonym for “buncha” Peters, Pauls, and Marys. (Puritans preferred more biblical names, like Prudence, Patience, Non-Elect, and Miserable Reprobate.)

Low-church types, believing there was no biblical mandate to name your child Methuselah, began pinning more “all-American” monikers on their little bundles of alloy. And so we were blessed with Skip, Kit, Lark, Kiley, and Jerry Mathers as “the Beav.”

Well, Pope Benedict has had enough. He wants the old ways resumed, as giving a baby a Christian name constitutes “an unequivocal sign that the Holy Spirit gives a rebirth to people in the womb of the Church.”

Now, assuming the pope’s admonition crosses denominational lines, and some liberty is taken with what constitutes a “Christian” name, below are my predictions for what will become the most popular names among Christians:

10. Name-It N. Claim-It
9. Dolorous
8. Pope Honorius III
7. I’m Not Benny Hinn
6. Church Growth
5. Mega
4. Adiaphora
3. Extra Nos
2. Actus Purus
1. Extra Ecclesiam Nulla Cindy