My Name is Bond… .

British doctors have concluded that James Bond is an alcoholic .

BBC reports: “Doctors in Derby and Nottingham sat down to read the 14 Bond novels in their spare time.With a notebook at hand they charted every day and every drink.Excluding the 36 days Bond was in prison, hospital or rehab, the spy downed 1,150 units of alcohol in 88 days.It works out at 92 units a week – about five vodka martinis a day and four times the recommended maximum intake for men in the UK.”

A heavy-drinking Bond couldn’t keep up the lifestyle depicted in Ian Fleming’s novels: “Patrick Davies, a consultant in paediatric intensive care at Nottingham University Hospitals, told the BBC: ‘You wouldn’t want this person defusing a nuclear bomb.’ . . . He said Bond would be classified in the ‘top whack’ of problem drinkers and would be at high risk of liver damage, an early death and impotence. ‘So he might be practising safe sex after all,’ said Dr Davies.”

Opening scene for future Bond film: Daniel Craig sitting in a circle of bedraggled men and women, saying, “Bond, James Bond, and I’m an alcoholic.”