Losing Face

In his 2013 book, Saving Face, Stephen Pattison observes that infants very quickly begin to notice and recognize faces, and to imitate the expressions they see. “To be and to become human socially and emotionally,” he writes, “is to engage in real, nuanced, face-to-face visual relations.” When a child doesn’t see approval in the face that looks back at him, however, the result can be deadening:

“If the mother cannot let her eye gleam, or ‘light up her face’ with a smile, then what may be reflected back to the baby is deadness, possibly leading to notions of unacceptability and unresponsiveness, even to primal shame. This unattuned, unemphatic, frozen ‘Gorgon’ face fails to mirror the child so it cannot see and appropriate itself and its emotions in a positive way. . . . Distance and objectification creep in between carer and child, and internally within the child and her or own experience. Parents who are depressed, shamed, internally pre-occupied or who do not like and value their children can easily offer this Gorgon face, the ‘evil eye’ that does not reflect and respond appropriately . . . . a small child may feel that they are the cause of this coldness and rejection – they are seen but not valued, loved, accepted” (58).

Thus, “the roots of the shame experience are psycho-physiological. If the child receives affirmation of its desires and drives, and an optimum level of reflective response, then it experiences joy and love. If, however, the parental gaze is not attuned or responsive then it can experience abandonment, isolation and pain” (58).

Pattison does not think shame is entirely bad. He quotes one scholar who argues that “shame is an important dimension of socialisation” and argues that “occasional experiences of withdrawal of parental responsive gaze that produce shame are to be expected. These produce a sense of dissonance and disintegration that can usually bring a child up short and stop undesirable behaviour.” Parents who are themselves shamed, however, cannot look their children in the eye; overly busy parents don’t “spend much time in mutual facial gaze with their new children,” and may communicate the message that “their children are unattractive or even ugly” (59).

The common notion that shame and approval have to do with “saving” and “losing” face is no mere metaphor.