I Would Like to Be the Next Pope

Humor magazine McSweeney’s posts a satirical cover letter for the world’s most discussed job opening:

Dear sir or madam,

I am writing to apply for the position of Pope. I recently received my Bachelor of Arts, or “artium baccalaureus,” from Dartmouth College, with a major concentration in Theatre Studies and a minor concentration in Computer Science. While I have been focusing on the technology and financial sectors, I have recently decided to widen my job search to include top non-profits, such as your organization. I became aware of the availability of the position of Pope through the Dartmouth listserv; I am greatly impressed by the achievements of The Catholic Church and share many of its goals. I believe my qualifications and outlook make me a unique and interesting candidate for Pope and I would be enthusiastic to grow with The Catholic Church . . . .

As your website notes, the role of Pope includes “Guiding the College of Cardinals, and the masses.” Through my participation in the Freshman Buddy Program, I have helped many younger students through difficult situations, including homesickness and mono. I feel like it is important to give back, a value I believe any organization would appreciate in their Pope.

As an excellent student with advanced people skills and an exciting resume, with a desire to be part of a challenging, energetic, and reputable organization, I will be a valuable addition to The Catholic Church as your new Pope.

While I am focusing my employment search in the San Francisco Bay area, I am open to a discussion of relocation.

I thank you in advance for your consideration,
John Ortved