It’s not Ron Paul, it’s not Michael Bloomberg, and it’s not Harold Stassen (who is as dead as Julius Caesar). No, the man who threatens to tear this presidential election apart is none other than Gene Amondson , candidate representing the 139-year-old Prohibition Party .
Thought Prohibition had come and gone? Well think again, you miserable gin-swilling rebrobates! Demon rum is the curse of our country, and Gene Amondson is just the man to exorcise it from our cirrhotic soul.
With only a single plank with which to beat the daylights out of his drunken opponents, Amondson could stand astride this electoral season like a colossus were it not for the pernicious influences of the Damn and Blast Liquor Industry.
But just you wait: When America finally awakens from its libidinous stupor, pours itself a cup of coffee (granted, a really big cup), and realizes that alcohol is all that stands between itself and a reborn greatness, I have no doubt that Gene Amondson will be the 44th president of the United States of America and the Virgin Islands and Guam and sometimes Puerto Rico.
But don’t hold me to that. I’ve had a few.
UPDATE: I’ve just learned that the Prohibition Party is, in fact, split into two factions: the pro- Dodge faction, and the anti-Dodge faction.
What are you guys drunk? You’re going to get three votes and you can’t even hew to one party line?
I give up.
