2016 Presidential Candidates as Described by the Smash-Hit Musical Hamilton

Hillary Clinton

It must be nice, it must be nice
To have Washington on your side

Bernie Sanders

Scratch that
This is not a moment it’s the movement
Where all the hungriest brothers with something to prove went

Martin O’Malley

And if there’s a reason I’m still alive
When so many have died
Then I’m willing’ to—
Wait for it

Joe Biden

Never gon’ be President now
That’s one less thing to worry about!

Jeb Bush

They left me no instructions
Just a legacy to protect

Ben Carson

I’m a polymath, a pain in the ass, a massive pain

Ted Cruz

Watch this obnoxious, arrogant, loud-mouthed bother
Be seated at the right hand of the father

Rand Paul

Wasn’t the problem with much of our previous government size?

Carly Fiorina

So men say that I’m intense or insane…

Marco Rubio

I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy, and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot!

Mike Huckabee

My grandfather was a fire-and-brimstone preacher,
But there are things that the homilies and hymns won’t teach ya

John Kasich

That poor man, they’re going to eat him alive

Chris Christie

Somebody gimme some dirt on this vacuous mass
So we can at last unmask him

OR

Everything is legal in New Jersey

Donald Trump

I get no satisfaction witnessing his fits of passion
The way he primps and preens and dresses like the pits of fashion

OR

I changed parties to seize the opportunity I saw

OR

Adams fires Hamilton, calls him “Creole bastard” in his taunts

Alexi Sargeant is a junior fellow at First Things.