Pope Francis has a Secret: He’s Jennifer Lawrence

As we absorb the news of Pope Francis’s  latest escapade—he accidentally cursed in front of an adoring audience—we are faced with a difficult but unavoidable truth. And that truth is: Pope Francis and Jennifer Lawrence are the same person.

Yes, Jennifer Lawrence—star of the Hunger Games series, she who launched a thousand thinkpieces wondering when we will tire of her authentic downhome American self—is also Pope Francis. When you start paying attention to the media coverage, it’s impossible to miss.

Just read the following headlines. Can you even tell the names were switched? “Jennifer Lawrence Shocks by Accidentally Cursing at Vatican.” “11 Reasons Why Pope Francis Is Your BFF in Your Head.” “Jennifer Lawrence: The Times They Are A-Changin’.” “Pope Francis: America’s Kick-Ass Sweetheart.” “Jennifer Lawrence appoints 19 new cardinals in Vatican ceremony.” And on and on and on.

You might recall Jennifer Lawrence  tripped her way into fame on the way to accepting her Oscar last year (a stunt she pulled again at the Oscars this year). But Pope Francis did the same thing (albeit not at the Oscars), prompting Vanity Fair to raise an eyebrow and Gawker to run an article called “Pope Francis Tries to Make Himself as Lovable as Jennifer Lawrence by Tripping Down the Stairs.” (So close!)

But the truth, of course, is that Jennifer Lawrence slipped up at that key moment—she forgot she had already used that trick. That, or Pope Jennifer Francis has really weak ankles. It would be understandable, given his age, that he might find those high heels on the red carpet a little much.

Pope Francis has yet to talk about his love of reality TV, complain about dieting, or adopt a fetching and modern pixie cut. But with his down-to-earth ways, fondness for yerba mate, and his sneaking out of Vatican City in disguise to minister to the poor, he’s basically as much like Jennifer Lawrence as a Pope can get without breaking his cover.

But with this news story—a story that could be written about Jennifer Lawrence without changing a single detail—we aren’t looking at a series of simple coincidences. The truth is that Pope Francis is Jennifer Lawrence, and he always has been.

I’m sure you have lots of questions.

Wait, what?

I know, who thought we got an American pope after all? I bet Dolan is ticked off about this.

Is Jennifer Lawrence even a Catholic?

According to  this highly reputable website: “She has not spoken about her religious views or the views of her family. . . . Based on conjecture, my best guess for Lawrence is Catholic.”

Anyway I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t want her fans to know she’s really a seventy-seven-year-old man committed to a life of celibacy. It makes sense that she would hide even the most basic of clues.

None of this proves Pope Francis is Jennifer Lawrence.

Well, if you have a video of Pope Francis and Jennifer Lawrence sitting and talking together like two people who aren’t the same person, I’d love to see it.

Wait. Are you trying to make a point about media coverage—that the media just kind of takes a set amount of narratives and applies them to subjects even when they don’t really fit or the truth is more complex or—

I think the facts speak for themselves, don’t you?

Does this make Pope Benedict Anne Hathaway?

We can only hope.

The author of this piece has never seen a Jennifer Lawrence movie. Then again, she’s never seen a Pope Francis movie either.

Thanks to Bria Sanford for helping provide key evidence for this investigation. Images from Wikimedia Commons.