“Out of all the gangsters, serial killers, mass murderers, incompetent & crooked politicians, spies, traitors, and ultra left-wing kooks in all of American history,” asked conservative blogger John Hawkins, “have you ever wondered who the worst of the worst was?”
Though I had never thought about it before, a number of candidates instantly popped into my head: Charles Manson, Benedict Arnold, Ted Bundy, Ann Coulter.
Turns out I was way off. Hawkins polled a hundred conservative bloggers who selected the 25 Worst Figures In American History . Naturally, the top three slots did not go to gangsters, serial killers, or mass murderers but to Presidents: FDR (#3), Barack Obama (#2), and Jimmy Carter (#1).
Some other conservatives like Matt Lewis and Jim Geraghty were appalled by the list. But I thought it was inspired. In fact, it inspired me to make a list of the 20 Worst Christians of All Time:
20. Fulton Sheen – For creating the job of televangelist.
19. Joel Osteen – For everything.
18. Billy Graham – Because when I was a kid his televised crusades used to always preempt The Dukes of Hazzard .
17. The producer for the band Stryper .
16. Pope Boniface VIII – He knows why.
15. Anthony Sacramone – He knows why too.
14. Ned Flanders
13. That creepy priest from Doubt .
12. This guy .
11. Kirk Cameron
10. Michael Servetus - For forcing Calvin to burn him at the stake, thereby marring the great theologian’s reputation.
9. Lou Holtz
8. That guy in the church parking lot last Sunday that looked like he was going to let me back out of my parking space but instead blocked me in.
7. John Calvin – For creating Calvinists.
6. Martin Luther – For creating Lutherans.
5. Sister Mary Margaret – You know, the elementary teacher. The one with the ruler.
4. Constantine – I’m a bit unclear on what he did—created Christendom or something—but from what I hear it was really bad.
3. Jimmy Carter – If he’s the worst guy in American history and a Christian then he must be one of the worst Christians in American history, right?
2. Me – I should probably rank higher but I’m too humble to claim the #1 slot.
1. St. Paul – Before he found Jesus he spent his time killing Christians. But it was after he became a believer that he described himself as the “chief sinner.” What in the world was he doing that was worse than holding coats and handing out rocks for the stoning of Stephen I don’t know. But if St. Paul says he’s the worst sinner , who am I to argue with him?
