The Postmoderns vs. The Front Porchers

Dr. Patrick Deneen has gotten all uppity and wants some kind of showdown at one of his people’s corrals between the Postmodern Conservatives and the “Front Porch Republicans” (none of whom would be caught dead doing something REALLY conservative like voting REPUBLICAN).

I emailed Pat to let him know how much I admired the fact that his reference to his folks’ love of the CSA meant that they were finally coming out of the closet as Confederates. But he tells me that really stands for “community supported agriculture.” Now I didn’t know that “the community” had any reason to have anything against agriculture. That’s where a lot of food comes from, I hear.

Pat’s certainly wrong on which team Tocqueville—the things are always getting and worse man—would play.

In terms of weapons, I told him we, being more modern and all, choose the automatic weapons available at any decent full-service, southern, suburban pawn shop (usually locally owned!). They might pick the whittlin’ knives that keep them amused like rural idiots for hours on end on their front porches while we’re relaxing inside in air-conditioned comfort watching TV, drinking cheap domestic beer made in some foreign state, and munching on big bags of processed foods we picked up at Wal-Mart and Big Lots.

And in terms of place, I told them that you guys keep whining that you’re all afraid to leave your little place for fear of getting all confused and not knowing what to do. Our virtue is much more mobile, and so we’ll come to you (which probably means, ironically, that I’ll have to leave small-town Georgia to go to the fanciest part of Washington, DC).

I also cautioned Pat—so he wouldn’t be disappointed at the turnout for this big event—that studies show that 97% of all self-proclaimed conservatives wouldn’t have anything to do with either team.

Maybe we’ll just get together and laugh those silly libertarians into submission.