Just Say No To Being a Loser

A new report shows that after years of decline, use of marijuana by teens is on the rise :

More American high school seniors are smoking marijuana daily now than at any time since the early 1980s, and they’re actually smoking more pot than cigarettes, according to a survey released Tuesday.

About 6 percent of high school seniors reported smoking marijuana daily in the new survey, which involved more than 46,000 teens in the eighth, 10th and 12th grades. That’s up from 2 percent in 1991 and the same percentage that smoked daily in 1981.

The survey results show an end to almost a decade of declining rates of pot use. They came as a sharp disappointment to anti-drug advocates and addiction researchers, who blamed the shift primarily on the growing national discussions on medicinal marijuana and legalizing pot - conversations that have received heavy emphasis in California.

We need to send kids a clear message that marijuana is a dangerous gateway drug—a gateway drug to loserdom.

While there is a relatively small chance that pot use will lead to hardcore drugs like meth and heroin, there is a significant probability that continued use will lead them to become a loser.

Seriously. There are only three types of people who frequently use marijuana: glaucoma patients, cancer patients, and losers. If you’re not on chemo or have tunnel vision then you likely fall into the last category. And if you’re so stoned that you’re not quite sure whether you have cancer or glaucoma, you need to put down the bong and make an appointment with an opthamoloncologist). (The saddest group of all is pot-smoking losers who have killed so many brain cells that they aren’t able to recognize that they’ve become a loser. My heart goes out to them.)

Not everyone who tries cannabis automatically becomes a loser, of course. The chances of you becoming a loser are dependent on two primary factors: age and frequency of use. If you are sixteen and “experimenting” with pot (i.e., tried it once or twice), you have a chance to recover and lead a productive life. If you are over the age of forty and still get baked frequently (note to stoners: frequently means “often; many times; at short intervals”) then you’re likely to suffer from paranoia, irrationality, and sloppy thinking. You’re also likely to have job that is undemanding and of  minor social value (burger flipper at White Castle, TV sitcom writer, blogger for The Atlantic ) . Don’t you want better for your life?

I’m also not saying that marijuana turns you into a loser. I don’t know if it’s a matter of correlation (losers just happen to smoke dope) or causation (smoking dope turns you into a loser). But the connection is clear. If you drew a Venn diagram of losers and frequent pot smokers, the overlap would be, well, there’d just be one circle. (Note to stoners: a Venn diagram is . . . oh forget it . . . )

So kids, do the right thing. Avoid the reefer madness and just say no to being a loser.

Addendum: This reminded me of an advice column I wrote for The East Texas Tribune in which I guided a parent on how to get rid of their stoner son:

Dear Joe,
How can I get rid of my son? He’s 24 years old and the laziest creature on earth. He doesn’t go to school, won’t get a job, and claims he can’t afford to move out on his own. The truth is that he could afford to move out if he didn’t spend all his money sitting around the house smoking dope all day.

I love him dearly but he’s got to go. How do I get him to move out?

Frustrated Parent

Dear F.P.,

Here’s a step-by-step plan for getting the little pothead out within a week:

Day #1 — The first step is to get him out of the house for a few hours. Give him $20 and while he is out giving his “tithes to the Rastafarian church” call a carpenter, preferably one that is handy with sheetrock. A good drywall specialist can have the door to your son’s room sealed off in less than an hour. Be sure to have it painted so that it blends in with the surrounding wall.

When your son returns and wonders why he can’t find the door to his room pretend you don’t know what he is talking about and “remind” him that he moved out six years ago. Convince him that he is having a “flashback” from the time he ate those weird mushrooms.

Day #2 — Remove all edible food from the house. Bake a liver quiche and leave it, along with a pitcher of prune juice, in the refrigerator. Now when the little freak gets the munchies he’ll be in for a big surprise.

Day #3 — Invite Timmy, the earnest young Christian at church who is always anxious to share his new found faith, to drop by and visit your son at around 4:20 p.m.* Tell him that your son really wants to develop a personal relationship with the Lord but needs someone to explain it to him in detail. Just to be safe, have some Jehovah’s Witnesses stop by at 5:10 and some of those clean-cut Mormon missionaries drop in at 5:45.

Day #4 — At 4:35 p.m., when your son is good and stoned, call your house and in your best basso-profundo voice say, “Hello. This is God speaking. Timmy said that you and I should get together and meet sometime . . . ”

Day #5 — Hide dog biscuits all around the house and invite the police department’s K-9 narcotics unit to drop by the house at 4:40 p.m. for coffee and donuts.

Day #6 — Tell all four armed forces recruiters that your son is really interested in joining the military. Military recruiters are like used car salesmen that make housecalls. Mention that the best time to catch your son is at 4:30 p.m.

Day #7 — Tell your son that the two of you need to have a serious discussion. Take him for a long drive in the country and be honest about your concerns. Explain that it’s really time that he moved on with his life and, after you slow down to about 20 mph, open the passenger door and kick him out of the car.

If he didn’t take the hint the first six days then he’s obviously fried his brain to the point where you don’t have to worry about him finding his way home.

* As I learned on recruiting duty, 4:20 p.m. (aka 420) is the time when losers throughout the world set aside to get high. Ask you kid what it means. If he knows, smack’ em ‘cause he’s a stoner. If he says he doesn’t know, smack’ em anyway cause he’s lying to you.