Greetings:
Google analytics have shown that you are, in fact, the only person pathetic or lonely enough to be reading this blog on a holiday. You have escaped family and friends to read a blog on Evangelicals and the culture.
Well done.
I am the recently appointed Obama administration czar in charge of, well, czars.
We had been wondering how to contact you until we noticed your strange habit of sitting alone at your lap top when you could be contacting other incarnate souls at parties or social events.
This was good news for us.
I would like to inform you that you are the heir to the Imperial throne of Russia and that we here at the Office of the Czar for Czars have in our possession several millions in monies deposited by the Imperial family in a San Francisco bank.
All you need to do to collect is respond to this post. If you do not respond within the day, we will be forced to use your inheritance for a Cash for Conquerors program.
We would far rather give the money to you than to some petty dictator who has happened to win a war.
Again congratulations on being not just lonely and socially inept, but now rich, lonely, and socially inept.
Sincerely,
Peter Stolypin
Office of Czar of Czars
November 25th, 2009 | 7:34 pm | #1
woo hoo?
Wait, don’t you need my bank account information like that nice man from Nigeria?
November 25th, 2009 | 7:37 pm | #2
No. That will not be necessary! Just send your credit card information to me and all will be well.
Peter Stolypin
November 25th, 2009 | 7:38 pm | #3
I should warn you:
The Nigerian scheme is a WELL KNOWN FRAUD.
Not like this.
Beware, your majesty.
P.S. We are adding some comments to this thread so nobody will later KNOW it was really YOU that we to whom we were writing. Do NOT be discouraged. YOU are the only real reader.
November 25th, 2009 | 8:01 pm | #4
I want to be the Czar of nightwatchmen! The only sounds to pierce the quiet are my checking door knobs… All is secure…
November 25th, 2009 | 8:46 pm | #5
Where is everybody???
I figured they turned out the lights because I sent all my money to Nigeria in exchange for…really good cheese…or something.
November 25th, 2009 | 8:52 pm | #6
Please not to touch the money in my San Francisco bank account. I already must use for Czarina to do her Christmas shopping.
November 25th, 2009 | 9:01 pm | #7
Dear Peter Stolypin,
Seeing as you have ascended to the high office of Czar of Czars, I have a recommendation. I would like to nominate Rev. Canon Dale Owen for czarship. His skills and ambitions are vast, so he could easily fill many of the diverse needs you have, such as Czar of Tolerance, Czar of Equality, Czar of Making Things Groovy, or Czar of Touching Stories. I know you have many options for this position, but Rev. Canon Dale Owen is also extremely qualified for Czar of Peace Through Politically Correct Doctrination. I have no doubt that you will be impressed with the Reverend’s outstanding credentials.
Thank you for your consideration.
November 25th, 2009 | 9:01 pm | #8
Aha, this has to be a scam. The real Peter Stolypin was assassinated in 1911. Не хоpошо.
November 25th, 2009 | 9:30 pm | #9
The assumption that there can be only one Peter Stolypin is a poor one. Open your mind, your Imperial Highness.
November 25th, 2009 | 9:31 pm | #10
Roger,
The Rev. Canon Dale Owen is a personal favorite.
Peter Stolypin
November 26th, 2009 | 11:26 am | #11
Aha! I knew my social ineptitude would pay off eventually!
Though now that I think about it, the whole “petty dictator who has happened to win a war” angle doesn’t sound too bad either. Maybe I’ll look into that one for Christmas…
November 28th, 2009 | 12:06 am | #12
Does this mean the POTUS will start bowing to me?
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